I sit here, listening to my music, just… wanting to let everything go. I want it to all just fade away… Life, life’s problems, everything. I guess you could call this a journal, but I know that I will probably never write again. I have no reason to, after this. I went to my first Crue meeting today- a Christian group. And I was so surprised at how different it was… and I couldn’t help but think of how wrong I felt they were. I just can’t help myself. It’s not something I’d want to talk about with people, yet it makes me so fucking sad that there’s nobody that would listen. I don’t even know where to start. I can sty one thing good came from going- this feeling I have that is making we write, and I know that I will not stop until I have “found myself.” It was just amazing to see all of these people with what I thought are fucked-up ideas and images of God. Now, I know that everyone perceives things differently, and that for some people, some things work better than others, but why couldn’t you, God, have made it simple and easy to understand? For everybody? To remove the need for war, for violence, for religion. I was brought up knowing that God is everywhere, and in everything, and that he loves us unconditionally, etc., etc. And these people also believe the same thing. Yet, why then do they speak of forgiveness like it is something to be asked for? Why can’t everyone see that God is constantly forgiving us for whatever we think he would need to forgive us for? So they ask for forgiveness, and receive it. They always do. Yet, every day, the feel they need it. Why? Today, we also talked about fasting, and how it puts you solely with god. You don’t need to fucking stop eating to be with god. Why don’t people understand this? GOD IS ALWAYS WITH YOU. If you don’t pray, he is not hating you. He is not “away from you” he is ALWAYS there, always a part of you, of everything. We, people, each and every one, are expressions of god. As our speaker pointed out, it says in the bible that the disciples didn’t fast while Jesus was there, because they were with god. Yet, when he was gone, they did fast, because they were with god no longer. Apparently, Jesus himself said this. And I think its complete fucking bullshit. Every day, people die, wishing that they had been with god more in there lives. I wish these people knew that they were, and always have been. Why can’t you, god, let everyone see this? God guides every action, whether we are aware of it or not. And I sit, wondering why, to so many things. I wonder how many people I know live their lives this way? I see Carly, a girl for whom I care deeply, involved soo deeply, and I am glad that this works for her. She seems happiest when she hears that she is a sinner, and that she is not perfect, yet all will be forgiven if you just ask. I know she is a very intelligent woman, yet why can’t she see that she doesn’t need to ask? Why can’t she see that there is nothing to ask forgiveness for? That she is a whole, perfect, and complete image of god itself? And why is it that I can never show her this? I know she will completely disagree. I know she will see that I said I cared deeply for her, and will not be happy that someone does, but that she’ll be afraid that all I want is a date, when that is the thing farthest from my mind. I don’t think I ever could date her. She puts god above all else, even herself, when I wish she could see that she is god. She is exactly how she needs to be. God is expressing itself through her. Yet nobody else sees that but me. And maybe it’s that I am the ignorant one, that someone, somewhere, sits, and writes about how dumb and stupid I am, believing I’m an expression of god. But it works for me. And so they think- it works for them, otherwise they wouldn’t dedicate themselves to it so fully, and so completely. They put it above all else, even above food. Fasting is very hard for some people, so I have heard. Yet, not for me. I go every day with only a meal at night, if that. And, maybe… maybe it’s because I no longer care about sustaining my life. I really don’t. I’ve thought about suicide, but I know I’ll never do it. I smoke, I drink, I’ve done drugs... pot, meth, who knows what else I may do in the long run. Why? I don’t know why, and I don’t know why not. Why the hell not? So what if it’s bad, it could kill me. I already know that if I doe tomorrow, I would not care. I have nothing left. The girl I have most cared for, I told her how happy I was that some other guy was giving her what I so desperately want to give. My family would cry, but only because they have lost a son, not me personally. My friends might cry, but it would be because a friend is lost, not because it was me who was lost. I don’t think I would even cry. Right now, writing all of this down is the closest I have come to crying. Yet I still can’t. What needs to fucking happen to me? Why, god, did you make me like this? Yet I know when I go, I will be with you. Still, in and through all, guiding the hand of those who don’t believe I am there. But what am I to do while I am here? Alive, what is my purpose? I wish I could do something with my life, something worthwhile that would touch people, yet here I am, giving up on life, and never finding the love I so desperately crave… knowing that someday, you will show me the way. That you have shown me exactly who I am all along- a man devoted and dedicated to you. Not as a man, but as an essence that guides. And I know that, in the end, everything will be O.K.